IT'S NOT THE HEAT; IT'S THE HUMIDITY

It's no secret that we are in the throes of a massive heatwave here on the Eastern Seaboard and beyond, and, by beyond, I mean that the extreme heat is causing airport runways to melt and lift from the ground in England. Out here we are merely suffering in the dregs of mid-to-high 90's day after day after day. 

Those of you from the arid Southwest might be saying, "Yeah, big deal. That's like winter for us." Well, this is when we get to remind people: It's not the HEAT; it's the f*****g HUMIDITY." There is nothing worse than sweat on top of sweat -- sweat from the heat, and sweat from the air moisture that immediately bonds to your skin the very moment you step outside.

Imagine an inescapable steaming swamp crawling slowly over every part of your body. All air conditioning will do is literally freeze the sweat into your pores. The moment you step back outside. It's like the fires of Hell and Damnation.

I have three brilliant ideas during this Heat Wave of Horror, all of which I decide to accomplish in one day.

First, I decide to go kayaking. This is a brilliant idea because I usually splash water on myself both accidentally and on purpose, and today is a good day to get splashed. Problem #1 is that I must haul the kayak, which breaks into two pieces, to and from the water. Though it's not far, it is damn hot. Problem #2 is that the sun is blisteringly scorching and I can only tolerate about an hour of paddling in the morning when the temperature at 9:00 a.m. is already hovering at 85 degrees. Problem #3 is that the water, usually refreshing, is somewhere around 90 degrees itself and feels more like bath water.

My second brilliant idea is to go swimming at my friend's pool. I have a perfectly dandy pool here where I live, but it's more fun hanging out with my friend. The water is a relaxing 87 degrees, and even my water-intolerant friend (yes, she has a pool but despises being wet -- just one reason why I love her) spends time soaking and floating around. Problem #1 is that I am not supposed to be out in the sun too long, and I've already maxed out sun time kayaking. Problem #2 is that I have to drive home damp and clammy and be back in the hideous heat of midday. Both are problems that I choose to ignore.

My third and final brilliant idea for today is to mix up a frozen margarita and sit on the porch reading. Problem #1 is that it's almost too hot to be outside, so I bring a spray bottle full of water and complete with a mini fan on top. Problem #2 is that I only have enough alcohol/mix to brew up one margarita.

All in all, heat aside, of course, it is a successful day. As a matter of fact, it's like a three-day vacation all in one singular day: Kayak - Pool - Margarita. However, and I'll be completely transparent here: 

DO NOT GO OUTSIDE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. 

If you ignore this advice and do go outside, expect immediate spontaneous combustion. It's a real thing, and you should be worried about it. It is the heat, and it is the humidity together. If I see a little puddle surrounding some ashes in the street, I'll know that you didn't listen, and, like the heat . . . I'll just wave.