There's a report out that the Northeast is the rudest part
of the USA.
First of all, I feel my chest swell with pride while I type
that. Second, this moniker doesn't
surprise me one bit. Third, this is
based on the number of times people used the phrase "F*** you" on
Twitter, and that's just not fair since Josh Beckett was still here and
pitching for the Red Sox during the study.
Finally, this study was done by the Ukrainians, and everyone knows they
overindulge in vodka.
Look, the people doing this study have to understand ONE
thing: People in the Northeast,
particularly New England, are not ones to sit back and get smacked around. (Revolution?
Anyone? Anyone at all?) We're not rude -- We don't take any
shit. There's a huge difference.
For example, when we're driving and a car cuts us off, we
need to point that error out, especially if we're on Storrow Drive going about
65 mph and some idiot decides he wants off at Back Bay but he is closer to the
Esplanade than the left-only exit, and especially if that driver is from south
of the Mason-Dixon line or Quebec. When
he slices across the lanes, nearly takes out the taxi, then demands the space
we are currently occupying, it is our duty to give him the one-finger salute
and the fine how-do-ya-do of the accompanying, "F*** YOU!" Sometimes we even add "A**HOLE" as
a cursory greeting, just to be extra-friendly.
How about the people who walk around during a high-humidity
heat wave and say things like, "What gorgeous weather!" or "How
about this heat?" Yeah? Well, "F*** YOU and bite my melting ass
while you're at it." That's not
being rude. That's simply making an
editorial comment for their own safety.
The next person they say something so flippant to might have a gun and
some armpit swazz. Really, we're just
being friendly in our own way.
Finally, how can people possibly think we're not polite? When it snows (and snows and snows and
snows), don't we all try to drive really fast to get out of the way? Don't we offer up our random lawn furniture
and kitchen chairs and orange traffic cones we stole from the Big Dig as
parking space holders? It’s not like we
stand out there waiting for Ukrainians who are desperately searching for
safe-haven and scream, "F*** YOU, this is MY space. I don't even own a CAR, you jackhole."
Okay, yes, we do, but it's better than a nasty note that
says, "Do not evah pahk heeyah unless ya have the propa tenant stickah, or
we will steal yah wheels and scratch CHOWDA IS WICKED PISSAH across yah
windshield."
See? We would never
do that. That's just f***ing rude.
