WAYLAID BY WEGMANS

My friend entertains me while my car is being serviced, and we have an epic adventure in and around the Burlington shopping area. This is the same area that is booming with stand-alone stores and small outdoor malls that mimic Southern shopping (hilarious concept here in the North since we can only tolerate being outside in the wind and icy air for about ten seconds for months at a time). 

My friend decides we're going to take a trip to Wegmans. Well, at first it's just a conceptual suggestion until she discovers that I have never been to Wegmans. That's right. I. Have. Never. Been. For those of you who are Wegmans regulars, this must seem like an alien idea to you.

The first thing I notice is that Wegmans has its own parking garage. Yup. Garage. It reminds me of Ikea, which is ironic because Wegmans turns out to be the Ikea of the food world. On our way in, we grab a carriage and turn into the open area. 

And I very nearly crap my drawers.

If ever a place were sensory overload, this is it. It's more enthralling than a street carnival, more flashy than Vegas, and has more stock in it than Market Basket's warehouse. I am shocked (shocked, I tell you) and a bit overwhelmed. Thank goodness I am not here alone because I have no flaming idea where to start.

My pal suggests lunch at the Wegmans café. I mutely follow, completely slack-jawed at the prepared food selection. I can't decide. It's a bit much for my senses. "Pizza" is about the only word that I am able to mumble, so we head toward that area and get our lunch. 

After we eat (which is very tasty; some garlic and cheese and white sauce pizza that I highly recommend), we hit the aisles of the store. At every turn I can only stare as if every damn thing in the place has suddenly become a bevy of shiny objects.

In the end, I am completely overwhelmed. Wegmans is what Christmas would look like if it were strictly a commercial holiday. If Stan Freeberg's Green Christmas could see this place, he wouldn't be singing, "You better cash in while the spirit lingers, it's slipping through your fingers, boys. Christmas can be such a monetary joy!" Green Christmas is Wegman's; Wegmans is Green Christmas (and Einhorn is Finkle).

I manage to get out of Wegmans with some beer -- Sam Adams holiday pack -- but I easily could've and would've dropped a huge wad of cash had I been a little less shell-shocked by the sheer magnitude of the inventory. I'm prepared now, though. The blinders have been ripped away, and I will live to fight Wegmans another day.