The pandemic is over. Over and done. Want to know how I know?
The government is giving the stuff away. That's right. GIVING it away. FREEBIES. Stuck with millions of counterfeit masks? Give them away. About to lose millions of dollars on test kits no one will need? Give them away. Can't get rid of test kits through the free mail giveaway? Encourage people to partake in FREE pool testing.
Good gawd. It's like we're stupid.
You know the real kicker? Insurance companies will now cover the cost of Covid tests. That's right. Now it's FREE. Why? Because no one has to do it anymore. Insurance companies will pay for it now that no one will be doing it.
Oh, you naysayers. You think I'm wrong. I called it two weeks ago, though. This week, contact tracing at my school district has stopped for both staff and students. That's right. Two weeks ago, the virus was deadly and we had to stay home. But now, magically two weeks later, everything is FINE. We're all FINE. You don't even have to stay home if you're sick nor if you test positive.
Anyway, I just want to know what I am supposed to do with all these masks now. Do I burn them? Wear them as hats? Make little paper bras out of them? Turn them into disposable g-strings? Create origami creatures with ear straps? Use them as toilet paper (which still somehow makes random disappearances from store shelves for no good reason)? Wear them as some kind of retro decoration? Make party hats out of them?
You want to know the part that truly aggravates me? Now I have to actually look between my teeth after eating lunch. No more surprise leftovers stuck in my jaw. Now I'll have to make sure my lipstick is fresh, my teeth are sparkling, my breath is minty, and I won't be able to mumble to myself without people knowing it's really me talking.
Damnit. I miss Covid already.
