IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE ... OR IS IT?

Okay, Bitch, it is on.  It is soooo on. You wanna play with me, Mother Nature?  Do you truly wanna play this game ... with me?

I'm the one who's trying to stay cheery.  I'm the one saying, "Oh, Polar Vortex plus constant snow storms equals the best of New England.  Right?  Ha ha ha ha..."  I've got your back, Mother Nature.  When everyone else is swearing at you and ratting you out on the local news, who keeps saying this is the way life should be?  Me, you stupid seasonal hag.  ME.
 
But, Bitch, you have just pushed my final button.  You hear me?  I said, "Do you hear me?!"

A little over a week ago, the day my daughter moved and I had to bring her cat to the new place, you waited until I had the cat and her carrier strapped into the seat belt.  You waited for me to get into the driver's seat and put on my own seat belt.  And then ... you make it start snowing.  Whimsical flakes at first, but then you brought out the big guns.  By the time I drove back from New Hampshire, the roads were slippery and dangerous. 

Then in the middle of a lacrosse scrimmage, you opened up the skies and let it rain, sleet, and snow.  I drove home in near-whiteout conditions, white knuckled, and praying to the Gods of All-Wheel Traction that I would make it home alive in under three hours (it's a 35-mile drive).

I have done all the shoveling.  I have spent hours and hours out there, even when you ramped up the rain on top of the fresh snow, even when it was so icy that I couldn't stand up to shovel without sliding down the driveway and into the street like Buster Keaton in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

All the while I have defended you to your detractors.  Then Monday comes, and what do you do?  You wait until I leave a meeting after school, you wait until I am on my way to the university for a grad class, you wait until I am safely in my car and strapped in for the ride to Salem, and then ... and then ... and then ...

You drop snow flurries on me.  Are you even serious right now?

Listen, Bitch, we're over.  You understand?  Done.  Kaput.  And do you know why?  Because you are mocking me.  You are mocking me, and I am damn well aware of it.  Oh, don't even.  I saw what you did today.  I saw how it snowed and snowed the whole way there and how it snowed and the wind whipped so strongly that I almost fell down walking from the lot to Meier Hall.  That's right, you almost knocked me over with the same breezy gusto you would employ to blow me across iced-over Heaton's pond when I weighed half as much as I do now. 

But that's not what truly made me snap, was it?  You know exactly what you did to mock me today.  You waited until I was in the school building, the farthest one from the commuter parking lot, after I had been tossed around and piddled on ... AND THEN THE SUN CAME OUT as I watched from a second-floor window.  The damn sun.

So, Mother Nature, the next time you need someone to stand up for you and say, "Oh, this is lovely weather we're having this time of year," even when it's a damn blizzard outside, do NOT come knocking on my door.  We are soooo over.

Until spring.  When the warm spring sunny days roll in, we can be friends again.  But, until then, you, Mother Nature, can flipping bite me.  We are done.