Some Things I Learn At Home Depot Tonight:
There are 20,000 cleaning solvents for rugs but only one for
upholstery.
LED lights for the walkway are cheaper by the half-dozen
even if I don't actually need a half-dozen.
Of course, this means I now own a half-dozen.
Home Depot's idea of "good selection of shades"
and my idea of "good selection of shades" are two entirely different
things. I think I meant "cheap and
plentiful selection of shades."
Bamboo shades are see-through, therefore not good for
bedrooms and bathrooms unless you really, really, really like your neighbors.
Knobs are overpriced, and some of them look like metal
nipples that Madonna might wear in concert.
The young guy with the mega-tattoos and the long beard
really does work there, knows what he's talking about, finds my friend a great
sale, and he openly admits to watching HGTV. His apron is in his hand, and he is obviously
on a break or on his way home, yet he helps us anyway. I want to adopt him.
The paint department does more than just mixes and matches;
they absolutely prove they know their business, and they do so with style. They don't even yell at me for swiping many,
many, many paint samples that I need for an artmaking & writing class next
month.
The young woman working the paint counter has a twisted
sense of humor. When I admit that the
wooden paint stirrers would make great weapons to use for beating students, she
reaches under the counter and hands me an extra two substantially larger wooden
stirrers without a word but with a huge smile on her face.
The clerk at the check-out doesn't laugh at me when I run my
credit card through the machine the wrong way.
Nor does she berate us when my friend, who checks out right after me,
does the exact same thing. "Everyone
does it," she lies smoothly. We
like her.
There is not one single screaming child in the store. Not a single one. It's because they're all down the street at
Wal-Mart. How do I know? I stop in to buy a cordless phone on the way
home. No Wal-Martians but plenty of
howling toddlers.
If Home Depot had a website similar to PeopleofWalMart.com,
it would be loaded full of people petting the backsplash options and wearing
flannel shirts. Oh, the horror.
