HEIGHT CHALLENGES AT THE AMAZON LOCKER

 There is an Amazon Hub where I live. For anyone unfamiliar, this is a group of multi-sized lockers, and orders such as Amazon and other packages can be delivered here and locked securely until a code is entered. When the code is put in correctly, a random door will open, and, VOILA, there's the package!

I have lived at this same apartment complex for almost two years now, and I have not had any major issues with the Amazon Hub except that once the UPS delivered a super-important document and gave me the code -- but it wasn't even mail for me. Other than that, I have never had an issue with the locker system.

Until recently.

I ordered some books (big surprise), and they were delivered to the Hub locker. No problem. I've done this at least fifty times already. This time, the box is in the very top locker. Well, I am five-foot-two on a good day, so I tried to grab the box while standing on my tippy toes. No suck luck because whoever delivered it pushed the box back into the deep locker.

I cannot back my car any further, so standing on the trunk or hood is not an option. Nor is heading home to get a stepstool since once the door closes, I cannot open it again even with the code. So, I reach for the bike pump. It has a thin handle. Maybe I can catch the box. Nope. It budges a little, but not enough. My fingers are still slipping on the box edge.

I grab my leather driving gloves, figuring maybe my hands are too slippery or something. Nope. The box is simply too heavy for my fingers to move it close enough to grab completely.

I dig out a golf umbrella. Surely that must be long enough. But, no, it is actually too cumbersome to make a positive difference and accidentally pushes the box even further in than it had originally been into the storage cubby. I throw the umbrella into my open trunk, figuring all of the facing apartments and the entire office staff must be having a grand laugh at my expense.

Finally, I grab my scraper-brush. I am able to pull the box just enough to make contact, just enough to pull the damn thing out of the way-too-high bin. I slam the bin shut, but I do so with such force that it bounces open again, and then again, mocking me. I almost leave it open, then I figure I had better close the stupid thing or risk losing delivery privileges.

The following day, I get another notification that I have a package. Well, surely it won't be in the top locker bin again. Right? I mean, what are the odds after all this time with just one height-related insult?

Sonofabitch, it is in the top bin. Not the same exact bin, mind you, but a top locker, just the same. I go right for the scraper-brush, get the package, and head home. Over the weekend I am with friends at a home goods type store. I see a foldable stepstool for $8. SOLD! It now sits in the trunk of my car. Screw you, Amazon and UPS and USPS! I am onto you and your dirty tricks!

Of course, now all of my packages will be delivered to the bottom row of bins because I have hip issues. It's just my rotten luck.

MASKING UP FOR THE CROWN

I am on my way to the dentist to get a crown when I remember I need a mask at the office. Yeah, yeah, yeah; I get it: Covid is the monster still lurking in the air. Right?

I'll probably die of it because I'm over Covid. Completely and 100% over it. I took a few of the shots and got deathly ill from shot #2 and booster #1. I have been medically advised never to take the vaccine ever again, and I never will; not unless the hematologist and I want to get up close and personal for another six months. Thanks, and she's a lovely woman, but no thanks.

I am so over Covid that I don't mask up anywhere anymore. Except, of course, at the dentist. Even my most recent trip to the dermatologist didn't require a mask. I wore one into the office and saw the entire staff unmasked. I asked, "No more mask requirement?" They smiled. "Oh, thank gawd," I replied. 

Over it. So over it.

Which brings me to the dentist.

Imagine my surprise when I get to the dentist office doorway a mere week after my last appointment, and I notice that the sign requiring masks has been taken down. I walk in, masked, of course, because I don't believe this for one red-hot second. I'll bet the sign fell off the door and blew away.

Nope. No one is masked up. No one, that is, except those actually doing the dental work.

And it's a damn good thing that the dentist has taken away the mask requirement because as soon as I get into the office, my new mask decides to throw a shoe -- one of the ear bands snaps apart. I can't wear this mask; I can only hold it plastered against my cheeks. 

In the end, I am saved from the embarrassment of showing up without the proper mask, even though I have probably seventy-five new masks at home. Now the only crown I have to worry about is the one I wear as Queen of my Classroom.

FALL FOLIAGE FORECAST

The fall foliage forecast has been dismal due to the summer drought. Honestly, the last few years the foliage colors have been kind of lackluster, anyway, so what's another sucky year, right?

Much to our spectacular surprise, though, the colors have been amazing. 

The best part is that we don't even have to trek up into the mountains to see this. Peak foliage is just hitting its stride here, and a simple drive down most any back road will cause jaws to drop. Drive a side route instead of the highway and amazed. Cruise along any random neighborhood, and you'll be pulling over to whip out the cellphone camera.

Today, a simple trip to a wine tasting a few miles away turned into a two-hour driving tour of ooooohhhs and aaaahhhhhs, with multiple random pull-overs to take pictures of the autumn colors.

Some people enjoy the sick distress of sitting in highway traffic just to be able to say they saw a few minutes of the foliage from Cathedral Ledge or the Kancamagus or the Adirondacks or the Green Mountains. I say just hold your cameras for a dang minute and the foliage will come to you without the gasoline emissions and the swearing and the never-ending mobs of people.

Enjoy, people. By this time next week, it will almost be over and winter will be here. That's when the real fun starts.

BAD FALL LIMERICKS

There once were some leaves that did change.

We did not think that too strange.

Yellow and red;

They fall cuz they're dead.

It looks like the trees all have mange.

We've entered the season called Fall -

When Summer and Winter both stall.

One minute it's hot;

The next, frozen snot.

We hope to survive it. That's all.

I've been raking these leaves for a while.

I'm gathering them in a pile.

My neighbor walked by

And made the leaves fly.

(I buried his body in style.)

DISJOINTED RAMBLINGS AFTER THREE WEEKS OF SCHOOL

Welcome to my world.

I grind my teeth when I sleep and

Suffer from migraines and stress headaches.

I function well in emergency situations because 

I am quick-witted and fast on my feet.

I am highly-educated and 

Decorated for my abilities.

I have a stellar sense of humor and

Can make up alternate song lyrics on the fly.

I do dramatic orations of hokey Christmas carols.

Most dogs seem to enjoy my company.

I once tamed a wild house cat.

Fitting in at social functions of all levels has

Never been a conundrum.

I can and do drive like a NASCAR racer.

My eighties dance moves are unrivaled.

If I count you as a friend, 

You are a rare and precious commodity.

I sit in my car before going to work and 

Tell myself I am not stupid and useless.

I convince myself that all the 

Dental crowns I pay for are result of

Sleep-deprivation,

Denying any scientific correlation to my job.

I am an intelligent person.

I'm uncertain as to some of those in 

My immediate orbit.

If I dance and whistle in the hallway,

It's probably not to prove how happy I am to

Anyone but myself.

Hear ye, hear ye.

All hail the Queen.

I'd like to keep the few teeth I have left

Because it's easier to recite Rudolph,

The Red-Nosed Reindeer

With a British accent if I have 

Chicklets still firmly inside my jaw.