PISS OFF, JULY

Bye, bye, July 2020. Hello, August 2020! What horrors do you have planned for us? All I ask is that you hit us quickly and get it over with. Sound like a plan?

The best thing about July (Was there a best thing other than surviving it?) is that it's my birthday month. Well, as I age into eternity and reflect back on my own shit-show of a life,perhaps that doesn't make it "best thing" status, either. Okay, let me try this: The BEST thing about July being my birthday month is FREE STUFF.

I get coupons for discounts on appliances from Home Depot (I am a renter and don't need to supply my own appliances, but thanks, just the same), free nail polish from CVS (I forget about the coupon -- oops), a free beverage from Dunkins (I hope to use it before they close all of them due to bankruptcy), $5 off at DSW (can't buy much with that), and $10 to spend at Bob's Store. Yes, It's wonderful to have a birthday. Apparently in most cases I have to spend money to get my "free" stuff.

I head to Bob's Store first, which isn't Bob's Store anymore. It's now Sports Direct/Bob's. I walk in, expecting the usual Bob's experience: expensive merchandise and general order of the store. What I get instead is semi-order and a sense of discomfort. This doesn't look like Bob's. Things are moved around. Things look ... dirty. Kind of unkempt. Like a warehouse instead of a store.

I wander toward the back to footwear. I head to a rack of women's sandals, which is near the employee area. A bulky man in a black store t-shirt comes out, stands right next to me, and pretends to be looking at women's sandals. Uhhhh. Dude. So, I move to the left and look at another part of the rack of sandals because he is making me uncomfortable. He moves to his left and does the same. Creep. I back up and look at sneakers. He backs up and looks at sneakers. Women's sneakers.

From the time I enter the store to the time I hit the sandal rack has been exactly ninety seconds. How in the name of all things sane did the store decide in ninety seconds that the elderly-looking chick checking out shoes is a shoplifter? I don't even have a pocketbook with me. I'm wearing shorts and a summer shirt. Where am I going to hide this stolen merchandise? Or is he just some kind of pervert?

I decide that I don't want my $10 "gift" after all and head toward the exit. On my way I pass a display of purple Avia sneakers on sale for $19.98 This is when I know for sure that Bob's Store doesn't exist anymore because their sale price would be $40. I find my size, try them on, and notice that my size is the ONLY box not marked on sale. I bring my size plus another size to the register, where the girl tries to charge me full price and must hand-subtract the amount to make it come out correctly. BOOM. I walk out with sneakers for $9.98. So THERE, Mr. T-Shirt Creeper! I guess I DID rip off your store.

Next I go to DSW. I am hoping to get some earrings at a good discount with the $5 coupon. I walk in expecting my regular DSW experience only to find that the store looks like a filthy, disorganized warehouse. Kind of dirty and kind of unkempt. There are no displays of jewelry. There are no pocketbooks. There is no wall of fancy party shoes. Everything looks like a giant Wal-Mart shoe section.

I immediately head to the clearance shoes to discover that "One person per aisle ONLY" signs are everywhere. Of course, the ONLY other person IN the store is standing IN the aisle of MY sized shoes. Well, fuck this shit. I turn around to check the clearance wall. I'll buy a pocketbook or some socks on sale. Uhhhh . . . except the wall is nearly empty. There is one pocketbook, some shawls, and ten pairs of earrings facing the wrong direction like the sales associate who put them there didn't even give a shit.

Okay, so up at the front they have wallets and stuff. I'll go look there since the lady standing in the size 8 section is just looking, not touching anything, not trying anything on, not even moving.  At the front they have (wait for it, wait for it, wait for it) ... TOYS. Yes, toys. Kids' toys. Cars and games and plastic things. Toys. T-O-Y-S. In DSW. Where the wallets should be.

I see some Burt's Bees hand lotion, grab the two sizes, and take them to the counter. "How much are these?" I ask. The small one is $12.99. The large one is $7.99. That's right. Don't ask questions! This isn't math class.

I buy the large one, give her the $5 GIFT coupon, go to hand her $3, and she screams so loudly that the woman in clearance can hear her. "WE DON'T TAKE CASH!" I am forced to charge $2.99 for my "free gift" at DSW, which, by the way, will be the very LAST time that I shop at DSW because it's filthy, has stupid rules, and the clerk is a loudmouth.

I have other possible places on my list to stop: my free nail polish at CVS (which I eventually forget about), a great discount coupon from the daily Michael's Craft Store email, Joann Fabrics... But I am so disconcerted from my two shopping experiences that I get on the highway and head home.

Piss off, July, and piss off, birthday freebies. I'm damn glad August is here. August, all I ask is no more "free" gifts and get your shit together. We've pretty much had enough of 2020 at this point.