WAZE AND THE ROADKILL GAME

WAZE is a great app ... when it works and when it's programmed properly.

Sometimes it cannot find a satellite feed.  Sometimes it shows my car driving sideways.  Sometimes it automatically tries to avoid toll roads and attempts to take me on wild goose chases.  Sometimes it sends me around in circles just to confuse me.

Most of the time, though, it's pretty darn handy.  Plus, my WAZE is programmed to speak British English, so it's also a little sexy when he orders me to round the roundabout.

For instance, I enjoy knowing where the speed traps are.  You can always tell who has WAZE because we are all whipping along in the fast lane when suddenly one person will move over and slow down.  More of us move over and slow down as we enter the notification zone of "Warning! Police reported ahead."  The idiot drivers behind without WAZE zoom on by, assuming that we are letting them pass because our travel speed of 85 mph is no match for their 100+ mph jaunt.  Then we laugh and laugh and laugh (and sometimes honk and wave) as they are receiving their state police ticket in the breakdown lane two miles later.

Usually, WAZE will warn me of travel obstructions with a simple, "Warning!  Object reported in the road ahead."  This is a bit like playing roulette. Which lane?  What object?  How dangerous?  Will there be projectiles involved?  It's the driving version of the old TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple, only with cars and speeds in excess of 70 mph.

Driving north on I-95 Friday, I get this message about an object.  Time to play I Spy.  I watch the traffic in front of me, and no one appears to be swerving maniacally.  Turns out to be a tire rim in the left hand breakdown lane.  No harm; no foul; no bonus points.

All of a sudden, WAZE says something I haven't heard before: "Warning! Roadkill in the road ahead."  Geezus, Brit man, that's oddly specific.

So, I start speculating.  Which lane?  What kind of roadkill?  Human?  Animal?  Moose-sized?  Skunk-sized?  Elephant-sized?  Chipmunk-sized?  Where?  Am I close?  Will it stink?  Is it bloody?!  I stay in the middle lane, figuring it's probably my best vantage point.  I study the traffic, but no one appears to be executing any defensive maneuvers.

Then I see it.  It's a fox, or what's left of a fox.  In the lane to my right, kind of in between that lane and mine, is a fox head, completely severed and looking like it belongs stuffed on a wall.  The rest of it, guts and all, cover about fifty feet of pavement.  It looks like a giant lasagna found its way onto the interstate and spread out everywhere.

My return trip south on I-95 is much less eventful, with my Brit pal telling me about construction and which EZ Pass lane to head toward.  It's not nearly as thrilling as playing Roadkill Roulette, but that's probably a good thing since it's getting late and already very dark.  Oh, sure, my buddy tries to trick me into exiting the highway because "he" still thinks I'm avoiding toll roads (hence the huffy instructions as to which EZ Pass lane, since I ignored his original orders).

WAZE is silent for a long while until I am half a mile from home.  I moved a month ago, and I seem to have forgotten to update WAZE.  Poor guy.  He is as irate as a polite Brit can be when I turn left instead of right, go straight instead of turning around, and park my car several streets away from where it has lived for fifteen years.

Oh well.  I consider it payback for the roadkill.  If we're going to play the roulette driving game, it's only fair to include WAZE as a player.  You know, pay back and all.